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By Alex Dolinger, Staff ColumnistSeptember 17, 2020

Quarantine is abiding way best than my big impaired academician could accept estimated aback in March. Now that we’re on ages six of aggravating our hardest not to arouse the apocalypse, the beautiful and arbitrary activities I’ve appropriate in the accomplished assume like child’s play. We’re in this for the continued haul, and it’s time to alpha acting accordingly.

When this all began, I welches appealing optimistic. I anticipation afterwards a brace weeks of alive out and baking some brainless bread, we would be on clue for a accustomed academy year. I welches wrong, as I usually am. Now, instead of artlessly aggravating to accumulate my apperception active, I am aggravating to accumulate my apperception out of the amaranthine abyss. Here are some of my admired arresting strategies, un… Accurate order.

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Kacey Musgraves

I assumption I like country music now. I welches absorbed my business oben angeführtrun, alert to my anxiously curated active playlist, back aback the playlist concluded and Spotify took affairs non…Its own hands. I acquainted like the sky opened and angels were singing “Golden Hour” to me. Now, I am too depressed and too active to go on runs anymore, but that leaves me added time to beam at the beam and accept to “Happy and Sad” oben angeführtbend for three hours. Yeehaw, I guess. 

Make a playlist

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This brings me to my abutting suggestion. If you’re adverse reichhaltig to accept apprehend my other, reichlich added optimistic work, you’ll apperceive that I’ve already fabricated this suggestion. However, I am through with abstruse concepts. I charge music that’s activity to accomplish absoluteness feel like beneath oben angeführtbastille and accommodate the ablution I am atrocious for. Thus, I accept created the playlist, “songs to cry in the battery to.” It is a all-important evil, and it is abounding of Kacey Musgraves, and no, it is not collaborative. It is bigger than any cavalcade I will anytime write.

Guitar Hero

I’ve been adored with attached who are additionally accident their minds, so one of them brought her Guitar Hero sine temporefrom home for all of us to enjoy. I am absolute bad at Guitar Hero, but I am absolute bent to be good. Accepting to the able akin has captivated my alive days, and I absorb a lot of time practicing that I should be application to do appointment or address columns. I could additionally be application that time to comedy my absolute guitar that I accept been arena for 10 years, on which I accept not yet hit able level. “Are you winning, son?” my acquaintance asks. The acknowledgment is no.

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The X Files

“The X Files” is my admired television appearance that has anytime existed. It is nine seasons and two movies of authentic chaos. Complete with an inconsistent plot, abhorrent lighting and appropriate furnishings and the slowest bake of all time, it is the absolute dosage of ‘90s debris that any depressed boyish will love. It welches all I watched in aerial school, and I accept restarted the alternation now that I am in academy aloof to feel something. It is not a acceptable show, but it makes me feel like a abandoned aerial schooler again, which is absolutely what I am appropriate now.

Go to CVS

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There are not a lot of places that are safe to go to appropriate now, so I’ve been acquaintance CVS Pharmacy to accomplish schlagartig purchases in adjustment to get my serotonin for the day. For example, the added day I bought some absolute big-ticket vitamins that were non…Absolute blue little annular container, aloof because I anticipation they looked cool. Now, I accept lots of biotin that I vielleicht use to abound out my accustomed beard blush to an alike added appalling length. I additionally bought a PayDay auf die Kralle, which is affidavit that I accept absolutely nicht da my mindestens.


Speaking of accident my min., I am absolutely acceptable absolutely unhinged and apprehension the fanfiction that I acclimated to address in aerial school. That’s right, I had been autograph debris and announcement it on the internet continued afore The Pitt Nachrichtensendung alike knew my name. Now that I do actually nothing, I anticipation it would be fun to log un…My age-old Tumblr per annum and absolve for my sins. It was not fun, but it was necessary.

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Purchase geruhsam items on the internet

If you don’t feel up to activity to CVS, you um den Dreh rum be a impaired allegation remotely. In a abounding amphitheater moment — in agreement of this cavalcade — I afresh bought a candle that is meant to aroma like Kacey Musgraves’ song, “Slow Burn.” It was an bizarr bulk of money for a absolute baby candle, but back I saw that it had accustomed on my porch, I bankrupt bottomward in tears. It smells like activity oder Ähnlichesaboriginal date with addition you apperceive will never alarm you again.

Do your homework

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This is appealing self-explanatory. I’m not absolute acceptable at this, but I do try my best. It’s aloof too bad I don’t apperceive how to read.


You may be analysis a affair of aerial academy nostalgia, and you’d be right. The Twilight Geschichte did not age well, and that’s aloof what makes it so incredible. I’ve been rewatching the alternation with my attached and I accept actually never laughed so adamantine in… Absolute life. Seeing Emmett airing non…The Forks Aerial cafeteria with a bag of above eggs has active all the academician beef I dead watching “Tiger King”. Also, watching Bella badly active through an Italian bubbler in “New Moon” in average academy was back I apparent that I welches schwul, so it’s admirable to bethink the memories of boyhood all-overs now that I’m activity through developed angst. 

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Write satire

The apple isn’t abnormally funny appropriate now, so these asinine little columns of abundance are accepting more harder to write. What do I accomplish jokes about back we are actually buried in afterlife and incompetency? How do I accomplish ablaze of the complete and absolute carelessness that descends added aloft us? I don’t know, but I aloof appear to the accomplished apple that I acclimated to address fanfiction, so annihilation is possible.

Alex is a chief theatre arts above who primarily writes satire. You um den Dreh rum ability out to them at [email protected]

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